Beautiful Mess – Episode 17
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3 months later.
“What do you think of this color?”
I raise my head from the box I am sorting to
glance at Mimi.
“Is that for the wall?”
I ask her and she nods.
We don’t know the gender of the baby yet so
we are decorating the room in neutral tones.
“I think that shade of teal is great, would look
She nods and goes back to what she is doing,
I dip my hand into the box and I bring out
It’s from Nigeria, Mimi got them from my old
apartment, since I have been living in Ghana
she has been a sweetheart.
I begin to sort through them and I find that they
are mostly unimportant.
I get to the last one and my heart freezes.
It’s from Garrett.
I open it and his familiar scrawl comes into
For the past 3 months I have been doing
everything to forget about the father of my
I have frozen every emotion in me and it has
worked, from time to time I get depressed but I
do everything available to make myself get out
of the funk.
I have a baby to think about, I won’t be a
selfish mother, I wont hurt my self or my baby
just because I got my heart broken.
But it hurts, it hurts so much.
I hear a sob and that’s when I realize I actually
My hand goes to my face and it comes away
with tears, my hand creeps to my chest were it
hurts the most.
Why am I like this? Why can’t I just forget
What did he do to me?
I sob harder and Miranda turns when she
She asks as a question and I sob harder
clutching my chest.
It hurts, it hurts a lot.
I feel a hand around me and I turn to sob into
I pound on my chest, it feels like my heart is
“It hurts mimi”
“I know sweetie, I know”
“My he. . . art hur. . . ts”
I sob harder as I pound on my chest, I think, I
think I am going to die.
“Why do I miss him so much? Why? He left
me, I asked for him, you went to him right? He
told you he didn’t want me”
I ask again for clarification and she nods.
After I got back from the hospital I couldn’t
take anymore of the pain so I asked for him, I
told Mimi to get him but she reported that he
said he wasn’t interested.
I was at Mimi’s house, he couldn’t be bothered
to come see me.
He abandoned me.
I waited but he left me.
I sob harder as my chest hurts harder.
Why is everything in shades of pain?
A month later.
“What do you mean you don’t know the father
I rub at my head as my father dearest shouts
He couldn’t be bothered to come see me for
close to 4 months now and when he finally
does he Judges me.
“You are a disgrace, I can’t believe I gave
birth to you, this excuse of a daughter”
I don’t flinch, am too used to the way he talks,
even the child he is proud of is scared of him.
“Your mother would be ashamed of you, having
a child out of wedlock…”
That gets my attention, even though I am 7
months pregnant and most of the time I waddle
like a duck.
I won’t sit back and allow my father try to guilt
trip me by using my mother.
“Papa, please don’t, am having a bad day and
am not in the mood to. . . . .”
When he slaps me I don’t feel it, I just feel the
injustice of it all.
Here I am, crying inside, dying of heartbreak,
wanting a little comfort from my father and this
is what I get.
As I think about it, I start to get angry.
” Do not ever raise your hand at me again
father, if you do not want me staying in your
house you need only to say so and I would
After all this is my country, I am pregnant, you
have to deal if you want to be a part of my
baby’s life, I am not below disowning you,
father dearest ”
I say the last two part slowly so it would sink in.
I don’t know why my father hates me,
sometimes he acts like he cares and other
times like he hates the very thought of me.
He just moves away and I know I have won
Kismet 1 – Papa 0
I rub at my stomach when I feel my baby kick.
I smile, that feeling alone is worth what I have
2 months later
“Calm down Kis, it will be over soon”
I breath in through my nose and out my mouth.
Oh sweet Christi it hurts.
It hurts so much and I feel my chest clench
like I have never felt before.
We’ve been at this for close to 12 hours now
and I am so tired.
“The mother is going into shock”
I vaguely hear the nurse beside me say and I
hear Mimi sob.
“Please Kismet, you have to try”
“Am so tired”
I hear myself saying.
“Please Kiki, you have to try harder”
She says, clutching my hand.
I shake my head slowly.
I just want to sleep.
“She is bleeding, heart beat is faltering”
The nurse repeats and I hear the doctor say.
“Just one more push Kismet, just one more,
help me bring your child into the world”
Just one, I can do that, just one.
I push with all my might and I hear the
sweetest sound ever.
The cry of my baby.
“And we have a little lady”
The doctor says and I give a little laugh even
as I feel my strength waning.
“Can I hold her?”
I say quietly.
“Please doctor, do something, my sister is
I hear Mimi say but, I want to tell her am fine
but I can’t.
“Can I please hold my little Jasmin?”
I ask again, I feel the nurses running around
me but I concentrate all my attention on
“Is that her name kis? Jasmin? It’s a beautiful
name, you have to stay alive so we can take
care of her together”
I hear Mimi say as if from a far place, I can
hear the tears in her voice but I can’t say
I feel a tremor wrack through me and I cry out
I turn to Mimi even as I see the nurse take my
daughter away to.
“You will take care of her won’t you?”
I ask and she nods, crying.
Even as I drift away I think that this is the first
time I have seen Miranda cry.